Monday, August 29, 2011

Easter Envy, Buddies, Homework & Hell

HRH: Did Baba ask you to marry him?
Me: Yes
HRH: How do you know if the girl you ask is not already married?
Me: You can find that out..anyway you don't have to worry about getting married for another 20 years at least..
HRH: I don't ever want to get married cos then I'll have to share all my stuff.

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Faisal reversing car -
Me to Faisal: You were about to run me over
HRH: He didn't hit you. 'About' is ok.

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Faisal throwing something over to me -
HRH: Good throw Baba
Me: What about 'good catch Ammi'?
HRH: Ok you're right. Good catch and throw..you are both equal..but I'll give Baba one point more cos we are buddies.

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HRH: Do you think the angel on your left shoulder has written the bad things you have done?
Me: Yes I guess so.
HRH: I know some of your bad things..like saying rude words. You shouldn't in case you have to go to Hell. In cartoons Hell is underground. When Allah puts fire on bad guys are they dead?
Me: He brings them back to life then He burns them if they were bad.
HRH: I thought Allah is very nice...why does He want to burn us?

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HRH: Let me tell you about pee. When we drink water, it goes through all the meat inside you and becomes dirty and turns yellow. That's why pee is yellow.

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Flattery will get you anywhere -
HRH: Ammi can you do me a favor and get me a glass of water? I appreciate your hard work.

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After watching Hop -
HRH: When will it be Easter?
Me: I'm not sure but Muslims don't really celebrate Easter
HRH: I wish I was a Christian so I could have Easter and Christmas

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Trying to get HRH to sit down and do homework -
HRH: WHY are you doing this to me?!! My hand will fall off!!

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Me: Would it be ok if I went on holiday somewhere for a week by myself?
HRH: Hmmm...I can go with you...to keep you company.

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Faisal watching a movie on TV -
HRH: This is Hard Kill 4 right?
Me: It's Die Hard 4

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Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Religious Rhetoric

HRH: Do you think the angel on your left shoulder has written the bad things you have done?
Me: Yes I guess so.
HRH: I know some of your bad things..like saying rude words. You shouldn't in case you have to go to Hell. In cartoons Hell is underground. When Allah puts fire on bad guys are they dead?
Me: He brings them back to life then He burns them if they were bad.
HRH: I thought Allah is very nice...why does He want to burn us?


A little later after misbehaving -

HRH (punching himself on left shoulder): I'm squashing the angel so he can't write the bad stuff I did.
Me: You can't do that. The angel would still write it down.
HRH: I better ask Allah to forgive me then 
(pause)
HRH: He didn't answer
Me: He doesn't answer. But He knows if you say sorry. He knows whatever you are thinking.
HRH: Allah likes to keep quiet?
Me: Well He doesn't talk like us.
HRH: Does he have a magic wand to make things? What does He look like?
Me: I don't know.
HRH: Look it up.
Me: No one knows. No one has ever seen Him.
HRH: Before I was born if I was with Allah then when I opened my eyes didn't I see Him?
Me: No...I told you no one sees Him EVER.

Later -

HRH: How old is Allah?
Me: I don't know. He's just always been there. He doesn't have an age.
HRH: He doesn't eat, He doesn't sleep, He doesn't talk, He doesn't have a birthday..how come?!

Government and Politics 101

Today's DAWN newspaper headline is "Govt comes out with strange warning". Next to it is a picture of a policeman standing guard at a deserted road in Karachi.

HRH (after staring intently at the newspaper): This guy is the government? He's a bad guy?

Me: No, that's just a policeman.

HRH: So why does it say 'Govt' next to the picture?

Me: The government is not just one person. It's made up of lots of people, like the President, Prime Minister, other ministers, all the people working in government offices and so on. They run the country together.

HRH: Where are they running to?

Me: No I mean they make the country function, for example making sure people have enough to eat, there are no bad guys around, building roads...things like that.

HRH: Are the police also part of the government?

Me: Well the army and police are supposed to be controlled by the government.

HRH: So the government told this policeman to stand on this road.

Me: Yes in a way. But our government isn't really doing a good job.

HRH: Why not?

Me: Because they are corrupt...which means they steal money. Also there are so many bad guys around. The electricity going all the time is also because they didn't do their job properly.

HRH: If the government have guns then why can't they just kill all the bad guys?

Me: That's not how it works. Will you try to make our country a better place when you grow up?

HRH: I'll try.

Monday, August 22, 2011

How Not To Explain The Concept of Hell

HRH: Why did Allah make ants? What are they supposed to be for?

Me: Well he has made all kinds of animals and insects…so sometimes we might not know what the purpose for everything is..

HRH: But insects bite us so why has He made them?

Me: Sometimes humans are also bad, like they hit or kill others…but He has made them too right?

HRH: Hmmm…can’t we write a message on a piece of paper and send it to Allah to ask him why he made ants?

Me: No, Allah doesn’t answer questions like that. You know He wrote the Quran and sent it to us, so we can just read that and try to understand it.

HRH: How did He send it down? With a machine?

Me: No He told an angel to come to Prophet Muhammad to tell him what the Quran said, then Prophet Muhammad learned it and taught it to everyone else and then they wrote it down and so we have the Quran. You know there are surahs in the Quran called The Ants and The Bee.

HRH: Really? Tell me about them.

Me: Well Allah tells us to believe in one God and in the Day of Judgment and to be nice and kind to everyone especially your parents. He also tells us about how we should be good otherwise we’ll be in big trouble…you know how right?

HRH: Yes. Hell. Does the fire burn you there?

Me: Yes it’s very hot and bad people burn, and they get boiling water to drink.

HRH (looking slightly terrified): I can be good now, but what about the other times before when I wasn’t good?

Me: No no, don’t worry, you can just ask Allah to forgive you and He will do that because He’s kind, but you must promise you won’t do those bad things again.

HRH: *silence*

Me (trying to make up for terrorizing child by changing the subject): You know Allah also talks about all the nice things He has made for us. Like the sun, moon, stars, animals, rain, trees, fruits and so on.

HRH: How did He make them? Which materials did He use?

Me: Well all these things are made up of different materials I guess, but Allah just says something should be and it is.

HRH (still looking worried): Hmmmm.

Me (thinking): Oops.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Taliban in London, Spit Bubbles, Using Google, Independence Day, Censorship and More

HRH: I want to go to London...actually no I don't want to. There are too many Taliban there.
Me: Those weren't Taliban..they were looters and rioters

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HRH: You know the bubbles I make with my spit? I try to make them as sturdy as possible so they don't pop.

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During a homework telling off -
HRH: I am going to tell your mother you are misbehaving
Me: What will happen then?
HRH: She will teach you a lesson.

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HRH (using NanaAbu's stethoscope to hear my heartbeat): ...I can't hear anything and you're still alive!

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HRH: Independence Day is Pakistan's birthday? Quaid-e-Azam made it on 14th Aug so what was he doing all the days before that? Thinking about making it?
Me: Yes
HRH: He even made the trees in Pakistan? I thought Allah made those..
Me: Allah did make those but Quaid-e-Azam said this area of land is Pakistan
HRH: Why couldn't he call it London? Then it could snow here too

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iPhone v Bleakberry debate -
HRH: It should be BBBB - Boring BlackBerry for Baba

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Me (glaring at HRH): Do not misbehave.
HRH (backing out of room): Uh oh. I better get away before she pounces on me..like a cheetah.

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Watching Faisal pray -
HRH (in amazement): Wow. That's the first time I've seen him pray.

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HRH: What's the name of that little store near LUMS? Heaven store? Future store?
Me: Paradise store?
HRH: Yes that one.

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HRH (while eating dinner): Look I ate so quickly...I think some of my food disappeared. Maybe Allah ate it
Me: Allah doesn't eat or drink anything
HRH: How do you know? Won't He be starving and thirsty? Look it up on Google

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After picking HRH up from Nano's -
Me: Were you good? Did you behave well?
HRH: ....hardly
Me: What did you do?
HRH: I can't tell you. You might banish me.

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Faisal teaching HRH to use Google -
HRH's first few Google searches: 'potty', 'dinosaur', 'snot'

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HRH: Can you copy The Sound of Music on the iPad?
Me: No I can't cos some parts in that need censoring...if you promise to fast forward those bits then maybe I could
HRH: I hardly promise.
Me: What does that mean?
HRH: Sometimes I'll watch the kissing bits and sometimes I won't

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Me: Bloody hell.
HRH: Well obviously you will go to hell if you say words like these.

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