Wednesday, December 18, 2013

For Those Nasties Out There


Best friend to your face
To humanity a disgrace
Behind that little pout
The gleaming fangs are out
Need to apply a bit of mace.

----

Some people should just stay mum
Think they're smart but so very dumb
Under that coating they are freaks
Disguising their nasty mean streaks
In North Korea called human scum

----

A pole stuck up her ass
How does she pass gas?
With such a blocked anus
Should get run over by a bus.
The opposite of a lovely lass.

----

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

An Ode to an Anonymous Mole

Once a girl had a mole
On her spirits it did take a toll
So she wanted it sliced off
Luckily it fell when she had a cough
Now she just has a hole.

----

Moles have feelings too
It's easy to say just 'shoo'
There through your entire life
Be it a period of ease or strife
To be unceremoniously dumped, who knew?

----

Someone found a black dot
Thought it was a booger but t'was not
It belonged on a lip
But it had got the snip
Now no place has it got.

----

Thursday, October 31, 2013

The Mealtime Battle - Now Available at OUP Stores in Pakistan

The Mealtime Battle (available at Oxford University Press Pakistan stores across the country and at the Children's Literature Festival Lahore from 30 - 31 October, 2013)

The Mealtime Battle is the sequel to Lost and Found



You can also visit the Lost and Found Facebook page for more details on both books.

Friday, September 13, 2013

JUST One

I just read an article on the Huffington Post about things you shouldn't say to someone who doesn't have/want a child. There are a whole bunch of things that you shouldn't say to someone who has one child either.

I have an 8 year old child and I don't plan on having any more kids. That's the plan anyway.

Gasps of horror abound when I pronounce this statement. I have yet to meet one supportive or uninterested person if this comes up. (Considering it's always someone else bringing up the fact that I have 'just' one child, I suppose no one is uninterested.)

I am constantly surprised why the possible product of my uterus is of such intense scrutiny for people. While I am still (somewhat) tolerant of statements uttered by close family members (apparently they are looking out for your and your offspring's future good), when acquaintances and random strangers want you to hear their advice, I want to tell them to STFU. Since unfortunately civilized (totally questionable) society demands we use polite words, I can't actually formulate that sentence and have to either smile politely or explain how I feel this works for us.

In school everything is a competition, especially among the matriarchs. If there are exams going on and you make the mistake of saying how tough it is getting your kid to study, someone is sure to attack you saying "But you only have one! Think of me! I have 2/3/4 (as the case may be)!" Yes okay, you win. You are more miserable than I am.

The other day two harassed mothers were waiting for their second and third child respectively to get off from school. They were complaining about the fee bill and how there was yet another increase in the school fee. One then directed an attack at me saying how easy it was for me with just one, which then turned into you can spend as much as you want on one, and how you get to travel in the summer with just one and so on. I was not entirely sure how the school fee going up and them having multiple children to feed/clothe/educate was my fault.

One 'lady' once asked me if there was a problem with either me or my husband and that was why we weren't having any more children. I told her if we did have a problem she would definitely be the first one I'd inform.

So coming to the things you shouldn't say to people who have "JUST"/"ONLY?!" one kid:

1. JUST one? But why?! (Shock. Horror....and then they wait for an explanation)

2. But doesn't he want a brother or sister? (Asked with pitying looks directed at child)

3. Don't you want a brother or sister? (Said to child)

4. Why don't you pray for a brother or sister? (Also said to child)

5. Is there something wrong? (Usually said with eyes signally your private regions)

6. This is really unfair on him. (A free dose of guilt tripping available here)

7. You will regret this. (I'm not right now and I hope I won't later either, and unless you have some Nostradamus like powers you shouldn't make these kind of unhelpful predictions either)

8. You enjoy your siblings don't you? (Luckily I do, but I know plenty of people who don't)

9. Just give birth, we'll do the rest! (Said by grandparents who are in no position to actually do the 'rest' considering their age and commitments.)

10. Abb kar bhi lo doosra. (Sir! Yessir!)

11. Abhi takk eik hi hai? Jaldi jaldi nikalo aur. (Images of baby after baby popping out of the production line)

12. Bus eik aur tu kar lo (Okay, but only because you asked so nicely)

13. You are being very selfish. (Actually yes I am, but not just for myself. It's for all three of us. You know the three people actually involved in this, unlike your unnecessary self)

Strange as it may be, I do only want to have one kid. As long as my child, my husband and I are happy with this decision, it really is no one else's business. I do not owe anybody explanations for WHY am I doing this? (WHY WHY WHYYYY??)

I do not want to have another just for the hell of it.

I do not want to have another to provide a companion for my child.

I do not want to have another as an insurance policy for when I'm 60/70/80 or 90.

If I do decide to have another, it will be because I WANT to have another. And random people's input/opinions/unwanted advice will have nothing to do with formulating that decision.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Raptor Claws & Cow Milk Machines

HRH: I don't feel like going to school today
Me: I don't feel like going to work either
HRH: So lets not go! We can call and say I have chicken pox and you can say you have a menshia.
Me: Amnesia?
HRH: Yes.


----

HRH: In the first Percy Jackson book, his mom got killed by a minotaur
Me: Oh ok...was he sad then?
HRH: Of course he was..it was his mother
Me: I thought maybe she might have been evil
HRH: Those are just stepmothers.


----

Me (looking at Eisa's hands): Remind me to cut your nails when we get home
HRH: They are fine...for a raptor.


----

HRH: This boy was calling me names..so I called him a "cow's milk machine"
Me: What's a cow's milk machine?
HRH: You know those pink things hanging under a cow


----

On the way to the first day of school...me lecturing Eisa on not fighting with anyone unnecessarily -
Me: Please don't fight with anyone unless they start it
HRH: I know that. I need to learn some new insults though apart from 'wormy worm' and 'booger breath'. I only know one new one.. "You are a smelly bucket of nose drool".


----

HRH: Will you buy me a toy when I finish the Quran?
Me: Sure
HRH (gloomily): God knows when that will be though..probably when I'm 21
Me: So you won't want a toy if you are 21
HRH: You can get me a Ferrari then.


----

HRH: Why are you in a bad mood?
Me: I'm having a disagreement with your Baba
HRH: What's it about?
Me: That's none of your business...when you are married and have a disagreement I won't ask you about it either
HRH: You'll be really old then..like around 63.


----

Eisa explaining a funny ad to me which I didn't understand till a while later -
Me: Oh now I get it!
HRH: You're slow for someone in the fast lane.


----

Eisa putting on a shirt -
HRH: Can I leave a few buttons open so I look like a coolio?
Me: No..that's gross.
HRH (with a wink): Hey girl.


----

Me: What dessert do you want from Cosa Nostra?
HRH: I don't want anything from Cosy Nostril.


----

HRH: From tomorrow I will stay up till 12 at night.
Me: No you won't.
HRH: I will almost be a grown up when I'm 8 so I can make my own decisions.


----

Eisa sulking after coming back from golf -
Me: How was it? How did you play?
HRH: I played like a troll. Covered in mud.


----

Me (in crazed dessert deprivation mode): I'm going to have a chocolate molten cake today and I will NOT share it with anyone. You and Baba can share your own.
HRH: That's greedy
Me: No...it's...
HRH: Selfish?


----

Eisa jumping on our bed -
Faisal: Eisa! Get lost!
HRH: Ok..but then you will miss me.


----

Cricket optimism (second wicket falls in Pak v WI) -
HRH: It's okay..one goes down..one rises from its ashes.


----

Science revision (after I left the room) -
HRH (to Faisal): Please tell Ammi not to make me study anymore...I'll do the rest tomorrow
Faisal: I can't do that..Ammi knows best.
HRH: I can't believe the boss of the house just said this.


----

HRH: When my exams end I want you to get me a cigar
Me: Why??
HRH: So I can smoke it..like the guys at the end of Independence Day when they defeat the aliens.


----             
 

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Booyah

Met a pompous cow today
Better than me in every way

Ready to deliver a biting jab
Coupled with the gift of gab

Apparently many IQ points higher
But manners were needed in dire

Unashamed of dropping names
Accomplished in many games

Naturally an expert in every field
From her you would need a shield

Woe to those who meet her twice
To be paid is a heavy price

Many fires she keeps stoking
With her constant provoking

Finally an interlude when she's gone
Deep breaths and a satisfactory yawn

Congrats on having made it through an hour
Without having gone completely sour.

Friday, July 26, 2013

Rama(d/z)an Rhymes

A month of fasting here once more
Check those vices at the door
Arguing about dees and zees
Just let it go PLEASE.
Pakoras and samosas galore!

-----

Playing Candy Crush Saga
Hope hanging by a dhaaga
Level 110 for the 110th time
Waiting for that notification chime
Till a life arrives, I'm going gaga.

-----

A religious 'scholar' on every show
Common sense you need to stow
If you plan to hear them speak.
I'd rather turn the other cheek
Than hear Amir Liaqat crow.

-----

Going out for an evening meal?
Check out that iftari deal
All the usual boring platters
In a restaurant full of clatters
At prices that will make you reel.

-----

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Exams, Elections Etc.

Post Urdu exam -
HRH: Hum awaz alfaz was in the exam too..one word we had to rhyme was 'hoily'.
Me: Hoily is not a word
HRH: Hay-wow-yay-laam-yay
Me: That's "haveli"
HRH: Oops..I wrote "boily".


-----

Urdu revision -
Me: Muzakar monus..Taya?
HRH: Tayi
Me: Chacha?
HRH: Chachi
Me: Abba?
HRH: Abbi


-----

Faisal and I playing FIFA and having to stop at 70 mins with score 1-0 -
Me: So I win!
Faisal: No the match didn't end so it's a draw.
Me: Don't be a sore loser
HRH: He's being like me.


-----

Eisa studying for English exam, getting startled by me entering room -
HRH: You scared me! I thought you were a troll...a big supernatural creature synonym giant.


-----

HRH: If you promise to get me a present it might help me behave better.

-----

Eisa and his friend hurling insults at each other in Mandarin (big horse; elephant etc) while laughing -
Me: Is that your friend?
HRH: More like a frenemy.


-----


Islamiat revision on 'Respect for Parents' chapter -
Me: What must we do if our parents are old?
HRH: If our parents are old we must get them new teeth.

-----

Survival instinct (post-elections) -
HRH: Today this boy in my class beat up someone because the other boy didn't like Imran Khan
Me: Did you tell him people can have different opinions?
HRH: No..I didn't want to get beaten up as well.

-----

HRH (excited): Tomorrow is the election! The madness will be over
Me: What madness?
HRH: You guys fighting all the time

-----

Eisa looking at pictures from last summer -
Me: What are you doing?
HRH: I am getting tears in my eyes looking at pictures of my childhood.

-----

Random HRH observations -
"In the morning when I wake up I taste like cat."
"Sometimes you can smell the boogers in your nose."
 
 
 

-----

HRH: From now on I want you to call me by my English name...Jesus.

-----

HRH: When I want you to say yes to something and you say 'We'll see', it always means 'No'....and when I want you to say no and you say "We'll see", it always means 'Yes'. It's not fair.

-----

Urdu revision -
Me: Make a sentence with 'toliyan'
HRH: Nahanay kay baad hum toliyan istamal kartay hain.

-----

Before school -
HRH: Why aren't the lights on?
Faisal: There's no electricity and the UPS is dead
HRH: Why is there no wifi signal on the iPad?
Faisal: Because the wifi router is also on UPS...now eat your breakfast.
HRH: I can't. I am also on UPS.

-----

HRH: I'm going to be a movie maker when I grow up..and I'll only make zombie movies
Me: But you are always too scared to watch horror films
HRH: Well I'll just make them...not watch them.

-----

HRH: I made up a joke..What's yellow and you put it on a hot dog and it's poop?
Me: Why would you put poop on a hot dog?
HRH: Mus-turd!

-----

Faisal bowling, ball hits Eisa -
HRH: Oww...that was a GBW...a Groin Before Wicket.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

-----

HRH: My friend was insulting someone today and said to him 'You do sex with a girl on a bed.'
Me: *horrified silence*


-----

Djoko v Murray..on a Djoko error -
HRH: Oiii..sala!
Me: Don't say that word
HRH: Why? What does it mean?
Me: I don't know...
HRH: If you don't know what it means, how do you know it's a bad word?


-----

English homework -
Me: You have to write an essay on "One great personality that you admire the most"...so who do you want to write about?
HRH: Me. I am very funny.


-----

Eisa eating fries with khala -
Khala: Be careful not to burn your mouth...they are really hot
HRH (with a wink): Hot like girls?


-----

HRH (staring at Faisal's deo): Baba you use Axe.
Faisal: Yeah..
HRH: So why doesn't Ammi say "Bow Chicka Wow Wow"?


-----

HRH: You know the groin kidneys..
Me: Groin kidneys? Kidneys are at the back..
HRH (pointing at front of pants): No these groin kidneys..in Wolverine, he kicks someone in the groin and then says "Try growing those back."


-----

Listening to Hips Don't Lie on the way to school -
Me: You know Shakira is Pique's girlfriend
HRH: Yuck! What a lover boy
Me: They all have girlfriends..even Messi has a girlfriend
HRH: Messi doesn't have a girlfriend..he has a wife..that's how he has a kid.


-----

Discussing Messi's injury -
HRH: He just has a bruised knee
Me: Yes but he has to have more tests because its a sensitive area
HRH: I thought the pee thing was the sensitive area.


-----

On the way back from school -
Me: Why are you so quiet?
HRH: I'm really worried
Me: About what?
HRH: That I'll never be able to play football for Barcelona...I don't know how to speak Spanish.


-----

Me (to Eisa): I love you more than anything in the whole world
HRH: I love you too..I love you more than I would a pet..if I had a pet.
Me: Umm..thanks?


-----

Eisa rushing to bathroom after school -
HRH: The teacher didn't let me go to pee during class...so now it's time for the lemonade of 400 years to come out.


-----

Faisal (to me and Eisa): Try not to fight when I'm gone
HRH (to me): You always start it.


-----

VIP movement behind us with police sirens blaring to get us plebs out of the way -
HRH: Where's the chor??
Me: In that black Mercedes between the police cars.


-----

Urdu homework -
Me: Sabzion kay naam bataain
HRH: Bhindi, baingan, gobi, Avari.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


   

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Election Special

No one was sad to see PPP go
For they had sunk so very low.
Five years of high fives all around
While the nation slowly drowned,
At the end no achievements for them to show.

----

A party that strikes fear, the MQM
Headed by Altaf Bhai, a real gem.
One word from across the seas
Fuels an uneasy breeze,
Turning Karachi into a city of mayhem.

----

Imran Khan's our saviour they said
(If you disagree they will have your head)
Despite the frothing and foaming it was not to be
All due to massive rigging was the plea
Imran's own army in green and red.

----

The winners emerged in PML-N,
Tigers and lions in the same den
Elected by the 'minority' masses
Apparently emitting nihari fueled gases
Putting in place those 'educated' women and men.

----

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Muddling Through

It's time for the morning huddle
More like a morning muddle
Sulky faces all around
One voice is the only sound
Someone needs a rib-crushing cuddle.

-----

The sound of those steps send all into a run
That's the end of any joy and fun
Don't talk, laugh or even smile
It will be a black mark in your file
Working under the barrel of a gun.

-----

Let's all play the blame game
Find someone to point at and shame
That's the way to run a team
Knowledge shines like a beam
Every day always the same.

----

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Semi Summaries - Australian Open 2013

Roger Federer v Andy Murray:
Hoped for a win by Roger
But Murray was a dodger
Went to a stressful five sets
Thankfully hadn't placed any bets
Andy is now a Grand Slam lodger
----
Victoria Azarenka v Sloane Stephens:
A young player called Sloane
Did make Azarenka groan
Ran her all around the court
Did well to hold her own fort
But still needs her skills to hone
----
Novak Djokovic v David Ferrer:
In the semis Djoko did Ferrer play
Showing he was the one to stay
Ferrer looked haplessly on
Three short sets later was gone
Djoko disposing of anything in his way
----
Maria Sharapova v Li Na:
Sharapova thought she'd get past Li Na
Li Na was thinking "You wish. Ha ha."
Of Maria she made short work
Done and dusted with a smirk
To meet later on the tour, ta.