Saturday, December 20, 2014

When I Was 9...

HRH: When will they hang those Taliban?
Me: They hanged 2 of them a little while ago
HRH: Good. When will they do the rest?

At age 9 I had no idea about death sentences/hangings/terrorists and kids being killed in school. Frightening to think of the world these kids are growing up in.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Summarily Rhymed

Man arrested for 'aggressively mopping floor'

A lady cleaning with a mop
Was forced to a violent stop
By a man who thought he was better
He made her feet wetter and wetter
Till he was arrested by a cop.


British woman returns from south-east Asia with three-inch leech living in her nose

There was once a leech
Living on an Asian beach
Ended up in a girl's nose

Where he would repose
Till flushed out with bleach.


Australian returns home from holiday with spider in stomach

A spider burrowed into a man
Of his stomach it wasn't a fan
So it crawled up to the chest

A creepy unwanted guest
A stowaway with a travel plan.

 

Australian returns home from holiday with spider in stomach - See more at: http://www.straitstimes.com/news/asia/australianew-zealand/story/australian-returns-home-holiday-spider-stomach-20141017#2
Australian returns home from holiday with spider in stomach - See more at: http://www.straitstimes.com/news/asia/australianew-zealand/story/australian-returns-home-holiday-spider-stomach-20141017#2

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Censorable Dreams, Weight Gain & Cricket Capers

Eisa whining about wanting to do something -
Me: We'll see.
HRH: Why do you say these words?! It makes me feel so tensioned. Just tell me yes or no.


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HRH: I don't ever want to get married
Me: Why?
HRH: Because I don't want my wife bumping into me on the bed..and I don't want to have a kid either because it would be painful.
Me: Why?
HRH: Because he would be really bad since he's related to me.


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Post school pick up -
Me: So how was your day?
HRH: I want to resign from school.


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HRH: Can we go watch 'Mein Hoon Shahid Afridi'?
Me: It's not for kids
HRH: It's not about smooching..it's about cricket.


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English homework -
Me: Make a sentence with 'twig'
HRH: The boy was picking his nose with a twig and it got stuck in his nostril.
Me: No you can't write that.
HRH: The boy's potty was shaped like a twig.
Me: No.
HRH: The twig got stuck in the boy's eyeball.


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Standing on the weighing scale -
HRH: I think I've gained 2 calories.


----

HRH: A girl in my class called another girl something rude
Me: What did she say?
HRH: I can't say it because then you'll tell me off...It was something in Urdu that goes woof woof...the female one.


----

Eisa: A boy was making farting sounds from his armpit at school
Faisal: Oh I know how to do that! Let me teach you!


----

Urdu revision -
Me: What's the opposite of "shehri"?
HRH: Gaon-ly.


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Urdu revision -
Me: Make a sentence with 'nafah'
HRH: Tum please nafah ho jao.

----
HRH: Today in computer class this boy found a picture of a naked lady and showed us
Me: What?! How did he find that?
HRH: It's ok..she wasn't totally naked..she was wearing a bikini.

----

Preparing to deliver a post-misbehaviour lecture -
Me: So how do you think you behaved?
HRH: Hmm...temperate climate...not too good and not too bad.

----

Eisa telling me about a teacher at school -
HRH: She's fat and strict
Me: You shouldn't comment on anyone's physical appearance
HRH: I'm not being mean..I'm just telling you her distinguishing features.

----

Faisal and Eisa playing cricket...ball hits Eisa in the groin -
HRH: Owww! Baba don't mistake this little guy for the wickets.

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Urdu revision -
Me: Tell me isam marfas (proper nouns) from these isam nakra (common nouns)...Mulk?
HRH: Pakistan
Me: Darya?
HRH: Daryay ravi
Me: Jang
HRH: Jang-e-bistar
Me: Badr?
HRH: Oh haan.

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HRH: Today a teacher said a rude word starting with F in class
Me: Are you sure you heard it right?
HRH: Yes..cos I've heard you say it too.

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Me talking about someone with Khala, when Eisa suddenly made a comment about that person -
Me: How do you know that?
HRH: I've been eavesdropping for 5 years.

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HRH: Thank God it's the weekend and you and Baba will wake up late. It's the only time I get any privacy during the week.

----

HRH: Ammi has anyone ever told you that you are a vision of loveliness?
Me: No you're the first..why are you saying this though?
HRH: Because I am a chivalrous handsome gentleman.

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Eisa telling me yet another story about a kid's flatulence at school -
Me: Why do you have a farting story every single day?
HRH: People can't control their bodies.

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HRH: I don't like the girls in my class. They don't know how to talk to boys.
Me: What do you mean? You should be friends with everyone in your class
HRH: You don't understand kids my age.

----

HRH: When did you first meet Baba?
Me: In February 2004...he came over for tea to Nano and Nanabu's house
HRH: So was it love at first sight? Did you hear slow music playing?

----

HRH: Can you switch the TV on for me?
Me: No..do it yourself.
HRH: Oh come on..help a brother out.

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HRH: I had a censorable dream last night
Me: What was it?
HRH: There was a man and a woman dancing a waltz
Me: That's ok
HRH: Yes..but the woman was wearing a bikini.

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HRH (telling me about a teacher at school): You know how teachers are usually cheerful on the outside and miserable on the inside? Well this one is miserable on the outside and miserable on the inside.    

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Saturday, January 4, 2014

Guide for (Own) Home Entry

Guide to entering home in middle of the night (if no chowkidar) -

1. Exit car after checking all rear view mirrors. Make sure no one lurking in background.
 
2. Quickly open small gate.
 
3. Leave small gate ajar while peering inside on the verge to run away (in case someone spotted waiting for you inside).
 
4. If no suspicious person spotted, enter with baited breath.
 
5. Peer inside house premises.
 
6. Quickly open large gate bolt while mentally prepared to have someone grab your shoulder from back.
 
7. If you are lucky and no one grabs any part of backside, swing big gate open for car to enter (hope to avoid own car outside during violent swing)
 
8. Hold breath and hope no other  car/person appears/enters along with own car.
 
9. Yay. You are almost inside. Shut/lock gates as quickly as possible.
 
10. Unlock home front door and enter/slam shut/lock/bolt/dead bolt doors.
 
11. Congratulations! You are home safe. Till next time then.